Not Being First Doesn’t Mean I Am Last

I have been competitive in every area of my life for as long as I can remember. In most, but not all cases, it has served me well. A crossroads has been placed in front of me that I am figuring out how to navigate. In my mind I know what to do, but my ego is a funny thing. It can cut all logic in half in a heartbeat, regardless of the consequences. As I chatted with a good friend about my circumstance today, I realized a blog was calling out to be written. There are times when I gain clarity as I express myself in the written word… my hope is that this is one of those times.

For most of my life, I felt the need to prove myself. The reasons were mostly based on lack of self-esteem. I didn’t know any other way. I was eventually taken on an amazing journey of self-enlightenment. It was painful and hard, but I wouldn’t be the person I am today without it.

While on the journey, I was exposed to plenty of personal rejections and professional put-downs. It is true that what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. Often, my journey was two steps forward and three steps back. The gift is that I kept going and eventually came to a place of appreciating who I am. It has been quite a journey, one that isn’t over.

When I was younger, my identity was based on what I did, how many awards I received, and the sales records I broke. I thought I was past that but recently had a rude awakening that that wasn’t the case. The question is – what can I do about it? More importantly, what do I want to do about it?

I’ve learned several things over the last few years. The greatest is that I am not a dumb person incapable of learning new and technical things. I know my strengths and my weaknesses. I also know that the goals I had years ago are not the same as the ones I have today. What I don’t know is how to communicate my current goals to my ego, which is still basing its reactions on that 20-year-old that wants to take the world by storm.

Maybe it is as simple as pushing my ego aside, grabbing my adult self, and doing what I know best serves the person I want to be today. Maybe it is putting my faith in myself that the journey I am on will take me exactly where I am supposed to be as long as I act with integrity and humility. That formula has always served me well when I used it in the past. Why would I give my ego the power to question that? I guess, starting right now, I no longer will.

The excuses I used just a few days ago to question myself and my abilities are today the reasons I will move forward empowered and rejuvenated about the journey ahead.