My parents died when I was 21 & 26. I was never taught how to process emotions, only how to hide them. My feelings came out in all kinds of self-destructive ways; jealousy, addiction, anger. I didn’t even know it was happening.
Years later I went into recovery for drug addiction and started working on myself in a way I never had in therapy. I would go to parties and see couples and families and hate them for what I perceived they had. If I couldn’t have it, I didn’t want them to either. When I attended a celebration of any kind, I wasn’t really happy for the celebrants because I couldn’t attain or didn’t have what they had. I didn’t want anyone to have more than me.
As I dug deeper, I realized I was comparing my insides to others’ outsides. I started putting my jealousy aside and realized everything wasn’t as it appeared. More importantly, my life was not as horrible as I told myself it was. I was choosing to focus on what I didn’t have rather than what I had. After years of step work and therapy, the jealousy melted away and I found myself experiencing envy. I wished I had what others had. A spouse, children, my own business, etc. Still, the focus was on others rather than me.
Over time, definitely not over night, my perception has changed. My gratitude lists remind me of everything I experience on a daily basis. Being aware of what Gd, the universe, or whatever you want to identify with puts in my path each day has changed my focus. It isn’t about what you have any longer, it is about my abundance. Circumstances have happened for me rather than to me. They are now reasons I want to wake up each morning rather than excuses for poor behavior. Today I know that I have exactly what I need and that has become what I want.
The life I have doesn’t include a romantic relationship, yet I am having a love affair with myself. I did not give birth to a child, but have been gifted with one I cannot imagine being able to love more. While my blood family has passed, I have family of choice. Those that have chosen to allow me to be part of theirs rather than an obligation due to bloodline.
While I don’t consider myself a religious person, I have a strong belief in a power greater than myself that I choose to call Gd. As I look back, jealousy and envy put a wedge between Gd and I. How could I see the gifts I was being offered when I was focused on what others had, not wanting them to have it or wishing I had what they possessed materially or otherwise.
Today I know I can and do have an incredibly fulfilling life exactly as it is. What an amazing gift that is.
