Many years ago, my friend Greg Pierce shared that “faith” is an acronym for finding answers in the heart. Rather than looking outside myself for the answers I seek, I only need to look within. Sometimes I remember that, and sometimes emotions overcome me to the point that I am driven by them. The latter has been the case for the last few months. I wound up someplace emotionally that I didn’t know how to leave.
I spent the weekend with some amazing ladies that gave me the love and freedom to process what has been going on. The thing about the right time and place is that I never know when it is going to occur. As long as I am open to the opportunity, it will eventually appear and allow me to make some realizations.
I recognize now that I’ve been comparing my insides to other’s outsides. Most of the people in my life are in romantic relationships. I have been using that to feel apart from others and to beat myself up. What I know today is that I am not less than nor am I unlovable. I have not been focusing on and celebrating my amazing life and achievements. When I wander off for too long, I make excuses for things missing rather than find reasons to celebrate what I have.
There is a void that needs to be filled in my spiritual program. My “stinking thinking” has crawled in and created much of my negativity. Over time, my initial reactions have become negative, and I didn’t even realize until someone recently pointed it out to me. Meditation, prayer, and jotting down things that I am grateful for throughout the day will re-strengthen my foundation. My negative thinking has turned opportunities for growth into excuses for pessimism.
The self-sabotage I have been putting upon myself is based on fear. I have been given gifts/opportunities/talents and saying “no thanks”. If I truly believe the purpose of my existence is to serve, I am not honoring that truth. What is the worst that can happen if I become all that I am capable of?
This sounds pretty simple to fix, and in theory it is. It has taken time for me to get to this point, and the journey has been both dark and enlightening. I believe that there are times I need to experience extreme emotions to give myself the chance to decide what does and doesn’t serve me. That process alone is powerful. Now that I have made some choices, it is about putting the emotional, spiritual, and social infrastructure in place for the changes.
I didn’t get to this point overnight, and it will take time. However, there is a mauve light, the one that connects me to my Higher Power that began shining again this weekend. There is a renewed sense of hope and excitement for my life that I am embracing.
I still don’t know exactly where I am going, but my spiritual toolbox is getting reloaded to face, embrace, and enjoy whatever is ahead.
Can you recall a situation in your life where you were in the exact right time and place to make a major realization? Have you had an “uh-huh” moment where suddenly everything makes sense?