Many years ago I was attending a Narcotics Anonymous convention. On Sunday morning while packing to go home, I asked myself who I knew better today than Friday when I arrived and the answer was nobody. The truth is that no matter what I was doing or who I was talking to, I was always looking around or past them wondering what others were doing, talking about or planning. In general, I was never completely present for anything in my life. It was as if I lived in a state of FOMO (fear of missing out).
A sponsor once suggested I become a human being rather than continuing as a human doing. She said life would be much more meaningful if I could pivot. It sounded great but the truth is I wasn’t ready. Looking back, I think it was more about not feeling comfortable in my own skin and having no idea how to “be”.
Over time I would slowly attempt “being”. Sitting quietly on my deck looking at the trees and listening to the birds. Lighting a candle and just looking at the flame. I remember having a conversation and listening, really listening to the other and not waiting for an opportunity to reply. It was probably the first time I was completely present in a moment.
Over time “being” became easier. Today I know “being” is when life is truly experienced. Being present on a physical, spiritual and emotional level allows me to experience every aspect of whatever/wherever/whoever. It is hard to put into words how it feels.
My current adventure has demonstrated that I have, at least for now, experienced “being” on another level. I have been traveling for the last 34 days. Whether I was looking at a front door, having a conversation with a stranger, dining in a restaurant solo or watching the sunset, I felt present down to a cell level. As I write this I am crying. I am full from everything I experienced while at the same time feel more at peace than I ever have.
I finally understand the difference between a human being and human doing. Sometimes seeds are planted and they sprout at the exact moment we are ready to experience them. Also, there are times they build, much like a symphony and eventually reach a crescendo. This trip is definitely my crescendo.
